I do not have personal experience with infertility, but I do have a few women in my life who have dealt with it. These wonderful women haven’t been given an easy task. Having a baby is harder then they ever imagined it would be.
I want to take some time and space to honor these women, to honor their experience, to feel with them, to attempt to understand the pain they deal with.
I try to feel what you go through: You wonder if your body just isn’t quite right. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get pregnant?”
Every time you get your period, it is like a slap in the face, “I cant do this, I can’t have what I want.” Another failed attempt.
Your mood lightens as you near ovulation, “maybe this time…maybe this will be it, I can feel it, I want it so badly, this is the month, I know it is…..the other months I didn’t want it bad enough, this month is different. I can feel it.”
And then. As you get closer to the end of your cycle, your mood starts to shift, you start to feel uncertain. You try to stay positive, “it’s o.k, this will work”.
Every symptom seems like a pregnancy symptom. Every tingle in your belly, every feeling of queasiness. “I know this is it, I am pregnant, I can feel it.”
And then. You begin to doubt. are those pains really your period coming? “No, no, this must be pregnancy pains….but maybe it isn’t, ugh I can feel my period coming on”. One last glimmer of hope chimes in, “but maybe it isn’t my period.”
And then. Your period comes. and you mourn. This wasn’t it. You were sure it was it, but it wasn’t. Heartache.
You get mad. Maybe you start thinking you don’t deserve to have children, this is your punishment. Or maybe you think, you just can’t have what you want.
You see other women having babies, it is so easy for them. Maybe it doesn’t bother you when everyone around you is having kids. But then you hear about a lady, who dealt with infertility, she got pregnant, why was she so lucky? Maybe there is hope.
Dealing with infertility is an up and down roller coaster. One minute you feel great, things are working, the next minute you are in shambles, none of it matters.
Some keep trying, they get tests done, they take drugs. Sometimes these things work, and sometimes they don’t. Imagine the helplessness you would feel. What is wrong with your body? Everything seems fine, you should be able to get pregnant. But no, not for you, not now.
I want you to know that I feel for you.
I ask these women to please know that you are worthy. You are a worthy human being. Just because you can’t get pregnant does not mean that you are an unworthy human being.
Unfortunately in this day and age, many women deal with infertility for physical reasons, these reasons have nothing to do with your worth as a person, or with your ability to have a good life.
I want these women to know that I feel for them. It sucks. It sucks to want something so badly and yet you can’t make it happen. Something that “should” be easy to achieve.
I open my arms for you. An embrace.
I hold you here in my arms and say, “It is o.k to be upset and angry”.
But please don’t let it consume you. Don’t let it become a monster that won’t leave you alone. You need to give yourself breathing space. Space to love. You need to take care of yourself, and honor what you have right now.
Maybe you could try volunteering somewhere with children, or with animals. Fill your heart with nurturing of other kinds. At least then you might feel some of what you long for. I know it isn’t the same as having your own children, but maybe it can help ease the burden.
I wish you happiness on this journey. I pray that you will get what your heart desires.
I would love to say that you will get what you want, but I can’t say that. Too many women don’t get what they want, and they must come to terms with that.
I hope that you can be gentle with yourself, and love yourself even if you can’t be a mother.
Being a mother is not the only way to give and love in this life. I hope you find something that you can give your motherly spirit to.